Hello to anyone still reading this page. Clearly it has been a long time between posts and the reason why will become clear very soon. In some ways I have been inspired to write this post by a friend who recently posted on Facebook about some difficulties he is going through.
The internet can be so filtered, especially social media with everything that is awesome and amazing with someone’s life. Not many people write about the lows of life. Scroll your way through most people’s Facebook and it is all holidays, parties, weddings, babies, new consumer goods and new jobs. Not many people post when things get hard or just downright shit.
So the main reason I have not been posting is because I am no longer in Germany. I can’t really talk about the great joy I am having in Germany when I am no longer there.
You might presume Eva and I have moved back to Australia or New Zealand as it just got too difficult. You would be half right. Unfortunately we are in the process of separating so it is just me back in Australia.
Why do I want to write about something this personal here? Firstly I don’t plan to get too personal on it anyway. I like writing and I find it helps to get things out. I also want this pathetically short blog to be truthful. Moving countries is god damn difficult. You have to sacrifice a lot to go into the unknown and in the end, it can cost you everything.
Let’s get down to business Firstly, Eva initiated this. It was not something I wanted at all and I was willing to work on things but her opinion was that it was too late. There was no third party involvement, this was purely between me and her.
You could say things had been somewhat “off” between me and Eva for months before we separated. I don’t want to fully blame moving to Germany for this happening, but I honestly believe if we had not made the move, Eva and I would still be together. Whether it would have been happily together or ever after is another question which won’t ever be answered in this reality.
The main reason I was given for calling it quits is that we have changed and she no longer has that love connection with me. There were no doubt big changes in both of us. The main one being the dynamics of our relationship.
Pre-Germany we both had our careers, friends and activities we liked to pursue together and individually. Our relationship had balance, mutual respect, goals, love and interesting things going on. I don’t think there was any hint of rockiness back then but nor did I think we were on the road to separation only a few short months ago. Yes, I was that guy that didn’t see it coming…
Post-Germany Eva had/has an incredibly rewarding and satisfying career, friends and activities she individually liked to pursue. I on the other hand had next to none of these things going on. I had some friends who I saw now and then. I was somewhat happily training for a triathlon but mainly to try and bond with Eva and to fill my time. The added bonus of this is I did not need to know German to ride a bike, swim or run.
This environment in turn changed both of us. Eva became very career focused. Everything was about her work. She would work long hours and travel regularly. When she came home, all she would talk about was work and then do more work at home. I had nothing to balance out the conversation with apart from maybe a funny video I saw on Facebook that day.
I on the other hand had lost all my “get up and go” and confidence. It is hard for me to think back how I was, but I was really a shadow of my usual self. I only really realised it since I have been back in Australia and regained my balls.
This loss in confidence then changed our balanced relationship, into some sort of dependant relationship. I was dependant on Eva for everything so naturally, began to defer to her. I did not suggest much or make decisions on things. She was paying for everything and she had the career, I honestly felt my opinion was not warranted or worthy.
There were a few other reasons given but this is probably the only one I actually understand. To be honest, my head is still spinning (over 2 months later) and I am not 100% sure if I have all the facts to hand. I am also of the opinion that I might not want to hear all the facts, and that there is no point because things are done and dusted.
Following our first discussion on this, things moved relatively quickly. I just wanted to run away fast from the hurt and rejection. I booked a flight the following weekend to take me back to where I felt most at home, Sydney.
During that week I tried my best to convince my wife that we should try to work on things. This was a 12 year relationship she was giving up without a fight. The actual Berlin wall maybe gone, but there are still formidable German walls around. Eva certainly was one and while we shared a lot during that week and were both very upset, she made it pretty clear to me throughout that this was final.
Eva’s parents and her drove me to the airport and it was one of the most emotional goodbyes I have ever had to do. I felt like I was losing my only family, my soul mate, my future, pretty much everything.
As I sat there alone at the airport after they had left I contemplated things. Here I was at 38, no home, no job and only a few suitcases to show for it all. The world was my oyster potentially but all I could focus on was that I was alone and hurting as much as I ever had.
So there you have it. As I write this it is approximately 2 months after that day where I learnt my marriage was over. I will probably write a bit about my journey back and how I am coping. Things are not all doom and gloom and there is light on the horizon.